Are you addicted to online dating?

London SinglesOf course many people are attracted to online dating. It is not surprising that it has become hugely popular in recent times; suddenly having people messaging and arranging potential dates can be quite exciting. Addictive in fact.

For the main part, most people tend to go onto online dating sites to find a life partner and then get off the site quickly, sometimes never to return. There are some however, who find that being on the site is actually more exciting than the prospective of finding true love. They become obsessed with logging on and reviewing their emails. The time they spend online increases and starts to revolve around several dating sites. Conversely they start spending less time with their friends off the site in case they miss an important message from someone on the dating site.

How can you tell if you are addicted to online dating?

So how do you know if you might be addicted to online dating? If you can answer yes to any of the following you may have a problem:

  • You log on to your online dating sites as soon as you get home from work.
  • You spend most of your free time in front of your computer so that you do not miss any messages.
  • You are spending more and more time logged onto your dating site, going to bed later and this is affecting your day.
  • You get annoyed or irritated if you do not get any messages.
  • You start to check on past dates to see whether they are still active on the site.
  • You start to see the same people on different dating sites.

So why is it that some people become addicted to the endless chase of many different loves?

Why do people become addicted to online dating?

With online dating you immediately enter into a world of never-ending choices. New people sign up every day, you can peruse your options as often as you like and keep change the characteristics of the person you are looking for.

However, having so many options available can make it nigh on impossible to focus on the person who is sat in front of you at that very moment. In your mind you are always elsewhere, wondering if you could get someone a little better, someone who may be more suited to you, or with a more fun outlook. But that person could be on the date with you right now. Because you are not present in that moment, you are thinking about logging online and messaging someone new, you could miss a real opportunity to connect with them.

The problem is that it is very much human instinct to be curious and adventurous, I mean, why settle for just one when you can try out a whole range of opportunities?

Whilst in some areas of our lives it is fantastic to have several options available to us. However, when the important element is the search and not the end result that is the driving force in our quest, we then have a problem.

It is perfectly acceptable to realise there are certain features in a prospective partner that we won’t put up with. But when you are picking out silly little niggles about every single person you go on a date with, simply to get onto the next potential date, then this becomes addictive behaviour.

What do to if you are addicted to online dating

If you are worried that you might be addicted to online dating then perhaps you should take a break and spend some time offline for a while. Go out with your real friends and enjoy their company and leave dating alone for a short period of time.

Remember that dating should be the means to the end, and the end is finding your one true love, not endless options that lead nowhere.


Proactive Love

If your idea of a great night in is to settle onto the couch with a tub of popcorn and get swept away in a romantic comedy, you are certainly not alone.

old fashioned dating agenciesMany of these films focus on the premise that a Prince Charming will come and whisk his true love away into the sunset on a white horse. But this is a fantasy right? We don’t really believe that out there is the ‘one’, who will find us against all the odds and we’ll end up living happily ever after?

I mean, shouldn’t women take matters into their own hands if they want to find love?

It may have been true that in the past, men were expected to make the first move, whilst women played a more passive role in their own future. But this is the 21st century, and times have changed.

However, there’s still a general sense that women should sit back and let the man pursue them. Media suggests it through these stereotypical romantic comedies that pile out of Hollywood each year. And strong women, who do make their own choices, are labelled by the press as ‘man-hunters’.

So why are we given this impression from different sources that it is the norm for the man to chase the woman?

How the media portrays unrealistic relationships

Romcoms, the staple diet of the diehard romantic, often portray situations that would not happen in real life, but at the same time influence those who are watching.

A study conducted at Heriot Watt University in Edinburgh blames romcoms for unrealistic expectations in love.

The study reviewed 40 films, including Runaway Bride, Notting Hill, You’ve Got Mail, Maid in Manhattan, The Wedding Planner and While You Were Sleeping.

Research into these films found several common themes they believed to be unrealistic and harmful in real life. These included; instant trust with a new partner, perfect sex from the outset, and no need for communication.

The university’s Dr Bjarne Holmes said: “Marriage counsellors often see couples who believe that sex should always be perfect, and if someone is meant to be with you then they will know what you want without you needing to communicate it.

“We now have some emerging evidence that suggests popular media play a role in perpetuating these ideas in people’s minds.

“The problem is that while most of us know that the idea of a perfect relationship is unrealistic, some of us are still more influenced by media portrayals than we realise.”

Further evidence showed that many romcom fans believed in a ‘perfect relationship’, a ‘soul mate’ they were ‘destined to meet’ who could ‘read their minds’.

“We all want to be successful in our relationships,” said Dr Holmes. “We want to be the special one and meet the special one. Unfortunately people tend to believe the Hollywood idea of a perfect relationship.

“That is just unrealistic. People feel if their relationship is not like a Hollywood film then it is not any good.”

Women being proactive in dating

So there you have it. Life’s no Hollywood film. There’s no director, no script, no extras, no set.

Except there is. You are in control of your own life. You direct the action, you make up the script and you call the shots.

Which includes your love life. Because there’s no Prince Charming, no fateful meeting about to happen, and no telepathic mind reading, but there can be a happy ending. It all depends on whether you want to take charge of finding that someone wonderful.

Being proactive significantly increases the chances of finding a life partner. And if you’re not quite sure where to start, joining a matchmaking service like Elan London can be a great way to dip your toe into the dating world.

Elan London have consultants who are well versed in relationship and people skills. They work closely with clients to understand the key values and issues that are important. They then use these findings in order to help source a suitable partner for introduction, so all the hard work of looking for a potential date has already been done for you.

But whichever method you use to find your life partner, be proactive, because Prince Charming is not coming to get you!


Finding Love After Divorce

d8cad34e0fc7876777b8c9d6860f406fDating can be hard at the best of times, but when you have recently divorced, or have ended a long-term relationship, it can appear especially daunting. When we get married we instantly become a special unit of two – we are now a couple and our lives become intrinsically linked to each other. To lose that companionship can be as devastating as a bereavement, and with it comes a grieving process.

There may also be a sense of failure and a worry that we are no longer attractive to the opposite sex. We may ask ourselves ‘How will I ever find love again?’ This is a common fear amongst divorcees. Not to mention that dating practices may have changed somewhat since we were last single.

The truth is, finding love after a divorce can be unnerving and feel strange. If there are children from a marriage, you now have to decide not only if your prospective partner is a good match for you, but will he get on with the kids?

So where do you start?

Move on emotionally from the divorce

When a marriage ends, there are usually two types of feelings that are dominant – guilt or resentment.

The person who initiates the divorce may feel guilty for walking away, abandoning the marriage or moving on to better things. There may also be a sense of shame associated with giving up on the marriage.

It is important that this guilt be shed in order to move on. If it is not, the guilty person may start to feel they are not worthy of a fulfilling relationship. They could then start to tolerate bad behaviour from prospective partners.

The person who was rejected in the marriage might feel an acute sense of being left behind, especially if the divorce was unexpected. They may harbour feelings of hurt and abandonment, and could develop a distrust of potential partners.

Those who were left behind need to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence and not let any feelings of bitterness, sarcasm or negativity affect future relationships.

Preparing yourself mentally for dating after a divorce

Once the divorced person has rid themselves of any residual, unhealthy emotions associated with the breakup, they are ready to move on again.

One difference between men and women after a divorce is that men do not look too far into the future regarding potential dates. They will focus on the present, whether they are having a good time at that particular moment. Generally speaking, women tend concentrate more on the future and possible long-term partner material.

The message is to go with the flow. Take things slowly, don’t compare new dates with your old partner, and try not to map put your future after only a few dates. You may feel pressure to settle down immediately and recreate what was lost, but some time nurturing yourself and regaining your self-confidence is time well spent.

How to find love after a divorce

It’s all very well being prepared and letting go of negative emotions, but now that you are ready, where do you actually find love? Well, it won’t come knocking at your door, so you have to go and find it. And there’s no shame in that. You wouldn’t expect to find a great job without looking for it.

There are practical things you can do to find love again.

Engaging a professional matchmaker can be a great move, especially if you are a little hesitant in actively dating.  Your matchmaker will introduce you to compatible partners, will screen them and of course you can be sure that each person you meet is serious about finding a long term partner.

There are mental steps that can be undertaken also.

One thing that makes us attractive to the opposite sex is when we appear to be full of life, living a passionate existence, doing the things we love. So, do the things you have always wanted to do. And don’t wait until you have someone to do them with. If you’ve always wanted to visit an art gallery then go. If jazz music is your thing, book a ticket. If you have yearned to travel to a certain part of the world, plan a solo trip.

The message really is to start living your life. There is nothing as unattractive as a person who is waiting to be scooped up and looked after. We naturally gravitate to those who are happy in their own lives. Be one of those people. Don’t wait for someone else to fulfil it for you.

While you are living your life, make sure you are open to any new possibilities. Before your marriage, you may have had certain ideas of what and who you were attracted to. Being more open and flexible will give you far more opportunities for love.

Taking a chance on someone that you wouldn’t have normally could lead to something rather special. So if you normally wouldn’t have dated a blonde or brunette, or a bald or short man, give it a go this time. You may be pleasantly surprised. And you never know, it could lead to something rather wonderful.


How to become Catnip to men

What do men find most attractive?

marilyn
Men are biologically programmed to find attractive traits in women. It is in their nature.

Generally speaking, men are first and foremost visually stimulated, but can be drawn towards a number of different attributes. However, knowing what men find attractive in a woman is not rocket science. It is pretty similar to what women find attractive in men, but with a few differences.

Imagine you are walking into a party; what would it take for you to notice a man in the room?

~ Someone who is gregarious, who is the centre of attention, making people laugh?

~ Someone who is facially attractive and well groomed?

~ A man who is not too big or that small, but looks as though they take care of themselves?

~ A person who appears to be kind towards others, and respectful of other people’s views?

~ Someone who is not afraid to voice their opinions, and is passionate about personal causes?

Well, it probably won’t be surprising that these are exactly the same factors that make a woman attractive to a man. They are just not in the same order. Men tend to place physical attributes slightly higher than character based ones, usually in this order:

  1. Facial attraction
  2. Physical attributes
  3. Happy demeanour
  4. Warm and nurturing nature
  5. Character

Let’s look at these factors in more detail:

Facial attraction

Studies have shown that if a man is looking for a one-night stand, he will place more importance on a woman’s body than any other feature. However, when he is pursuing a serious relationship, a woman’s face is the crucial element.

In a study at the University of Austin at Texas, 75% of men, who wanted a long-term relationship, stated that a woman’s face was more important to them than her body.

Physical Attributes

Some men may admit to favouring one part of a woman’s body over another. However, studies have shown that the ratio between the waist and the hips is the most important factor.

Evolutionary psychologists believe that this hip to waist ratio is a key indicator of good and fertile sexual health. The ideal ratio is within the 0.6 to 0.8 range, which is typically the classic hourglass figure, commonly associated with Hollywood star Marilyn Monroe.

Professor Devendra Singh, at the University of Texas, held a number of experiments and found that in younger men aged 18 to 22, the favourite shape for women was this classic hour-glass figure.

Happy demeanour

A bright and sunny outlook can really turn a man on. There is nothing like a flirty laugh and to watch a woman having a fun time to make a man wish he was part of it.

If you have a miserable face and look depressed all the time, don’t think that someone is going to want to help solve your problems, they will not.

And if you spot a guy in a bar, don’t be afraid to make eye contact and smile. Let him know you are interested. Men are not mind readers, give them a signal that it’s ok to come over.

Warm and nurturing nature

Men like to be known as the stronger sex, but there are times when they need some care and attention. A woman that understands this, who can look after a guy with warmth and love is going to enjoy a wonderful relationship.

Women that are cold and emotionally blocked will have a hard time with men who require a little extra attention occasionally. It is fine to be a strong and independent woman, but the sexes need different things at alternating times.

Being able to swap roles is essential for a successful relationship, but also very attractive to a male.

Character

You can be the prettiest girl in the world, but if you have no character, you won’t be very attractive for someone looking for a long term relationship.

Once a man has been attracted by your physical features, he will then start to delve a little deeper. If he is thinking long term, it will be important to him that he can trust you, that you share the same morals and values, particularly if he wants to start a family.

Men like women who know their own mind and possess a strength of character and integrity.

Final Points

Good relationships are where couples are able to be themselves. And if you cannot do that from the start, it probably won’t end well. So be yourself, and here’s hoping you’ll find your perfect match. We can obviously help you with that!


Are looks important?

top london matchmakingAre looks in a partner important as we get older?

What do you look for in a partner? If you said looks, you are by no means being shallow. In fact, there is biological evidence to suggest that attractiveness is a sign of good genes. What we are actually doing when we are searching for an attractive partner is looking for someone who will provide us with healthy offspring.

It is easy to understand why we would do this when we are young, but it is still the case as we get older and cannot reproduce?

Surely we place more importance on higher virtues, such as kindness, humour and understanding, the older and wiser we get? Or do we still value appearances?

Let’s start with what we mean by good looking.

How do we measure beauty?

Beauty is personal, and what one person finds attractive may not float another’s boat. You may, however, be surprised to learn that you can measure beauty using mathematics.

Facial features, for instance, should be absolutely symmetrical, and this holds true across cultures, countries and even in nature and the animal kingdom.

This explains why so many people are opting for cosmetic surgery to correct wonky teeth, straighten noses and even-up sagging jowls.

Renowned oral and facial reconstructive surgeon, Dr. Stephen Marquardt, used the ancient Greek mathematical quotient known as the ‘Golden Ratio’ to construct a mask that defines the perfect face.

The Marquardt Beauty Mask uses established mathematical equations to map out the ideal proportions of facial features.

Why are good looks important in a partner when we are younger?

Evolutionary psychologists state that there is a simple reason why we tend to search for partners. Having a perfectly symmetrical face indicates to a prospective partner that the person has good genes.

Those with an unsymmetrical face would tend to suggest poor development in the womb which has led to defects. These can be generated by either poor health, bad genes, or substance abuse. All of which are not good adverts for producing healthy offspring.

Research has shown that having a symmetrical face is also linked to amiability, friendliness and loyalty.

Furthermore, recent studies oddly indicate that women who had a male partner with a symmetrical body tended to have more orgasms. Whereas those with symmetrical breasts were shown to be fertile than those who were more lopsided.

It is clear that looks play an important part in reproduction. We choose a good-looking partner in order to secure the best genes for our offspring. But as we age, and having children is no longer an issue, does attractiveness become less important?

What characteristics are important in relationships as we age?

According to recent studies, what we value in a relationship changes as we get older.

When we are younger, the top five elements of a romantic relationship are:

  • Attraction
  • Love
  • Communication
  • Trust
  • Compatibility

Whereas the top five most highly rated elements of a romantic relationship for older adults are:

  • Honesty
  • Communication
  • Companionship
  • Respect
  • Positive attitude

This would suggest that as we age, we are more willing to put ourselves in a vulnerable position with our partner. This allows a deeper level of intimacy in the relationship, and a stronger degree of self-acceptance.

The study also highlighted that younger adults placed a firmer emphasis on importance of attraction and compatibility, as opposed to older adults who tended to favour trust and respect.

Why is attractiveness not as important as we age?

This switch from favouring attractiveness when we are young, to valuing trust and honesty when we are older, would appear to develop after we have experienced relationships over time.

As we mature, we understand how the excitement of passion and desire are replaced gradually into more significant feelings of compassion and commitment in later life.

So it seems that nature has provided the perfect biological response when it comes to choosing a partner. When we are young we look for an attractive mate in order to produce healthy offspring.

However, as we age and this is no longer a priority, good looks are not deemed to be as important.


The Secret to a Long & Happy Marriage

elite matchmakingZelmyra and Herbert Fisher broke The Guinness World Record for the longest marriage in 2008 for a marriage lasting 84 years.

They were married on May 13, 1924.  In 2011, Herbert passed away at 105, and a few years later in 2013, Zelmyra followed at 105 years old too. When Herbert passed, the couple had been married for 87 years. Before their death, they were interviewed about their secrets to everlasting love.

1. What made you realize that you wanted to spend the rest of your lives together? 

With each day that passed, our relationship was more solid and secure. Divorce was NEVER an option, or even a thought.

2. How did you know your spouse was the right one for you?

We grew up together and were best friends before we married. A friend is for life; our marriage has lasted a lifetime

3. Is there anything you would do differently after more than 80 years of marriage?

We wouldn’t change a thing. There’s no secret to our marriage, we just did what was needed for each other and our family. We’ve always said that if people behaved throughout a relationship as they did at the beginning, then the relationship wouldn’t end.

4. What is your advice to someone who is trying to keep the faith that Mr. Right is really out there?

Zelmyra: Mine was just around the corner! He is never too far away, so keep the faith – when you meet him, you’ll know.

5. What was the best piece of marriage advice you ever received?

Respect, support, and communicate with each other. Be faithful, honest, and true. Love each other with ALL of your heart.

6. What are the most important attributes of a good spouse?

Zelmyra: A hard worker and a good provider. The 1920s were hard, but Herbert wanted and provided the best for us. I married a good man!

7. What is your best Valentine’s Day memory?

Zelmyra: I cook dinner every day. Herbert left work early and surprised me; he cooked dinner for me! He is a VERY good cook!
Herbert: I said that I was going to cook dinner for her and [that] she could relax. The look on her face and clean plate made my day!

8. You got married very young – how did you both manage to grow as individuals yet not grow apart as a couple?

Everyone who plants a seed and harvests the crop celebrates together. We are individuals, but accomplish more together. There’s no secret to our relationship. We’ve just tried to provide what each other needed.

9. What is your fondest memory of your 85-year marriage?

Our legacy: 5 children, 10 grandchildren, 9 great-grandchildren, and 1 great-great grandchild.

10. Does communicating get easier with time? How do you keep your patience?

The children are grown, so we talk more now. We can enjoy our time on the porch on our rocking chairs – together.

11. How did you cope when you had to be physically separated for long periods of time?

Herbert: We were apart for 2 months when Z was hospitalized with our 5th child. It was the most difficult time of my life. Zelmyra’s mother helped me with the house and the other children, otherwise I would have lost my mind.

12. At the end of a bad day, what is the most important thing to remind yourselves?

Remember marriage is not a contest, never keep a score. God has put the two of you together on the same team to win. We’ve had our ups and downs but we lived in a time when if something was broken we didn’t immediately throw it away. We tried to fix it. In these days of disposable cutlery and disposable cameras it seems that relationships are disposable too.

13. Is fighting important?

Never physically! At times we’ve disagreed, but have stay focused on what really matters and learned to bend so that the relationship doesn’t break.

14. What’s the one thing you have in common that transcends everything else?

We are both Christians and believe in God. Marriage is a commitment to the Lord.We pray with and for each other every day.  We’ve always shown our love and appreciation for each other. Even after so many years of being together, you can never feel over appreciated.


How to have the perfect first Date

Make your first date count

professional london datingThe countdown for your first date is approaching, and understandably you are feeling nervous. If you have had a few first dates and these haven’t resulted in a second, then perhaps you need to look at what is happening during these dates.

Likewise, if you haven’t been on many first dates, then each date can appear daunting, as you struggle to get every aspect perfect.

There are ways to ensure you have a fun and exciting first date, after all, that’s what dating should be about. Dating should be an enjoyable activity, where you get to meet new people, in the hopes of finding that special person.

However, as with most things in life, if you want something badly enough, you should prepare for it. The chances are that if you go into any situation without proper preparation, you will feel overwhelmed and anxious.

By doing your homework in advance, your thoughts can run freely, giving you the opportunity to really connect with your date. By doing your homework you can be present, fully relax and concentrate on the evening.

So, let’s assume you have booked an intimate restaurant where you can hear yourselves talk.

Here are our tips on a successful first date:

Make your first impression count

Experts say we have just seven seconds to make our first impression, and we rarely get a second chance. So the things you do in that first seven seconds are crucial.

When you first meet your date:

Smile. Your facial expression will say more about you before words ever could. Make sure your smile is genuine, warm and friendly.

Speak. Introduce yourself in a clear and in an appropriate pitch, not too loud or too high.

Maintain eye contact. People that do not maintain eye contact can be perceived as untrustworthy, but do shift your gaze occasionally or constant staring will appear creepy.

Body contact. The handshake is the accepted way of greeting someone, however, a first date is a little more intimate. Be prepared for a kiss on the cheek.

Dress in a smart fashion. Make sure you have dressed appropriately, and always err on smart if the dress code is smart casual.

Actions speak louder than words

We now know that we communicate up to 60 per cent through body language, and yet we dismiss the importance of our actions when it comes to first dates. So be mindful of what you are communicating through your actions.

Remember, we should be performing at our very best on a first date.  Sure we are allowed to slip a little once we are in an established relationship, but our first dates should be the pinnacle from which we then slide a little.

Here are some first date no-no’s:

Turning up late to a first date

What does this action say to a prospective date? You may have a good excuse, the taxi/bus/train might have been late. However, what this says is that you will tend be late in the future, no matter what the occasion.

Turning up for a first date straight from work

This says to a prospective date that no matter how important the event, work will always come first. If you cannot arrange an early afternoon off to get ready for one date, then this is likely going to be a running theme throughout the rest of the relationship.

Sloppy dressing

Turning up with baby sick on your shoulder shows you are possibly struggling to organise reliable child care and that it might not be a good time for you to date.

How to make your first date count

Prepare a few questions

As we said earlier, preparation is the key, so find out a little about your prospective date and prepare around 3-5 questions. These can then serve as ice breakers.

Use the answers to the questions to carry the conversation on, and only resort back to the prepared questions if there is an awkward silence.

Taking the conversation further

There is research to suggest that by prompting certain happy memories, your date is more likely to remember you in a good way.

Asking your date to recall a particularly happy memory releases endorphins (happy hormones). Once they have recalled this happy memory, they will then subconsciously relate these endorphins to you.

This is the same if you ask about a thrilling or exciting memory. Those feelings of excitement and spontaneity will be a reminder of you.

Be your own best friend

We’ve all heard the saying that you have to love yourself before anyone else can, but this can be hard for some people.

If you have problems seeing your achievements and are your own worst enemy, try thinking what your friends would say if asked to list your good points.

If you find you are constantly thinking about everything that could go wrong, instead focus on how a successful date might feel. Imagining the date as a success from start to finish is more likely to make it happen.

Final advice on first dates

A final piece of advice comes; when embarking on a first date, try imagining it as if you are meeting an old friend you haven’t seen for a while.

You will be naturally excited to see them, feel confident in yourself, and want to find out what the friend has been up to.


A Chemistry Lesson in Love

 

Written by Elan London Personal Matchmaker, Gilly

bespoke dating service londonChemistry Lesson. These words for me conjure up all sorts of horrid memories of chemistry lessons at school and the strange gaseous smells that emanated from the chemistry lab!  Words like apparatus, asbestos mat, petri dish and Bunsen burner come to mind. Ah yes, the dreaded Bunsen burner!

I lived in fear of one of the undesirable boys in my class being let loose with one, and  watching Tracey Rowland’s heavily hair sprayed fringe go up in flames or worse still, having my then very bushy eyebrows singed! But thankfully that is a lifetime ago and now I am more concerned with a different kind of chemistry, the chemistry of love and attraction.

There seems to be an awful lot of confusion and questions about what relationship chemistry is all about.   At Elan London we sometimes hear, ‘the chemistry wasn’t there for me’ or ‘we just didn’t have that spark’. But what does all that really mean? Are client’s getting confused about physical attraction and the sort of chemistry that is rarely to be found on a on a first date?

It is absolutely true that physical chemistry is an essential component to a successful relationship and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It is likely that couples who don’t share strong physical chemistry may have added difficulties during the highs and lows of a shared life together.

Having a strong physical bond really does help couples want to fight through problems they may encounter. But the kind of chemistry we are talking about here does not necessarily show itself on a first date with an instant, glorious, heart pounding, cheeks blushing, palm sweating attraction  (nice work if you can get it!).

That kind of chemistry is about a physical attraction and yes you do need that most definitely in a relationship but, it cannot exist on its own either.  The other and more realistic scenario on a first date is that people find themselves in a high pressure situation. They may be nervous and act in an awkward manner.

This then significantly alters the energy that flows between them which then can result in an altered or negative chemistry. Chemistry is more likely to build over several dates when you start to see something in the other person that is really attractive. Not just their physical being but their personality, hobbies, interests, life experiences and values.  So we are talking about the whole package.

Chemistry is different from attractiveness and cannot be determined solely from a photo. We can objectively see whether we think someone is good looking or not but the chemistry can take a little longer to figure out. Chemistry also comes from compatibility, friendship, love and sexual passion. I don’t think it can come from just one component. In other words you have to have a little bit of everything.

I think it is also wise to be alerted to the dangers of chemistry too. We need to be responsible for being under the influence and spell of those peculiar magical mystery chemicals called pheromones. The strange chemical secretions that elicit unlearned behavioural responses and act like drugs. Can’t eat, sleep, high highs, low lows, the feeling of obsessive longing……it’s all quite unhealthy and addictive. And then what comes next?

Often it’s the undiscovered bad qualities and incompatibilities in that person that were masked beneath the intensity of those feelings. So you see, that is also why at Elan London we are serious about the importance of matching clients that have similar values, background, passions, life goals, interests. These are the things that bond two people together rather than focusing on looks alone.

So, here is a very simple lesson in chemistry………..

A relationship that scores a 7 for chemistry and a 10 for compatibility is going to be a happy marriage.

A relationship that scores a 10 for chemistry and a 3 for compatibility is going to make you miserable.

I sincerely hope that all this doesn’t make you give up on chemistry. Please don’t. I simply ask that you consider this simple equation and be patient, wait a little longer than a first date to see if the chemistry exists. You may find that what you didn’t discover on your first date, shows up on date two or three and kerching……you found your soul mate and life partner!

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Why Love is worth the risk…

Written by Elan London Personal Matchmaker, Gilly.

top london matchmakersTo love is to risk rejection, to live is to risk dying and to hope is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the greatest mistake in life is to risk nothing at all. To reach for someone is to risk being involved, to expose your feelings is to expose your true self. To love is to risk not being loved in return.

Take a minute to think about your own history of love, heartbreak, relationships. Maybe you had your heart broken more than once or maybe you have never allowed yourself to love fully in order to protect yourself from getting hurt. Whichever one it is, we can easily become conditioned to never allowing anyone near our heart for our own self-preservation. It’s hard to let someone in when you’ve got those chains wrapped firmly around your heart; but here’s the thing….in closing our heart to the risk of heartbreak we may create a living hell for ourselves. The truth is that whilst heartbreak is extremely painful, it is not nearly as painful as the hell we create for ourselves when we hold back loving out of fear of getting hurt.

C.S Lewis, novelist and poet, had an awful lot to say about love and risks in one of his books, The Four Loves which explores the nature of love from a philosophical and Christian perspective through thought experiments:

‘To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.’

All sounds pretty grim hey? But he does make a pretty good point of what the alternative is to not taking a risk on Love. So, let’s look at this word LOVE. What is the opposite of love? The automatic answer is ‘hate’, but that is wrong. The opposite of love is fear . Fear is the fundamental negative emotion. So, if we want love we must conquer fear. We must take personal risks for big potential romantic rewards. Don’t bother test driving a relationship for 5 years, or searching for someone so perfectly matched that they remind you of a sibling.

Love is supposed to be a little scary because it is uncertain. In my work as a counsellor I often see clients who are unable to make changes to their lives due to fear and anxiety. They are so focused on the fear and what they don’t want they become paralysed and unable to make changes. A simple change in the way we think can be very powerful. Consider this for a second-‘ Stop focusing on what you don’t want and focus on what you do want.’ You feel the difference?  We need to remember this when considering love too.

Taking the risk of allowing yourself to love again takes courage. Courage means feeling the fear of rejection and loss but pursuing love anyway. That takes us to that funny little saying that we are so familiar with, ‘Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all!’

Be mindful though that the pain of losing one relationship is not transferred to a new relationship. It is wise to use our past negative experiences of love as a point of reference but be sure to leave them at the door of a new relationship. When we have been hurt we are supposed to remember how that felt as this helps us grow and evolve as a human being. Feel the fear, take notice but be sure to remind yourself that this was a past experience and leave it there. Don’t assume you will have the same experiences in a new relationship or it will be over before it even began!


Romance & Interior Design. Gentlemen, how to impress…

Thinking of inviting that special lady to your flat for dinner?…

 

Our guest post today comes from our friend, Diego Correa; a very talented interior designer for successful men. More information about Diego is below.

luxury matchmakingLet’s visualise the context first: You have met the lady before, probably a few times for a coffee, drinks or lunch, and you have seen that besides being beautiful she is very special, your heart beats a little bit faster when you are with her and not precisely  because the way she wears that dress. There is a connection there; she makes you feel anxious, in a nice way.

So you decide to invite her to your place for dinner. You are proud of your flat so you want to show her more about you. You know she will get you if she sees the way you live, what you like, that special collection of old photographs you have… It will be a big plus for you.

But that is not enough and you know it… so how to get the most of your flat, the most of the night and the best in you?

Here are some suggestions:

BEFORE

♥ Clean or get your flat cleaned: Special attention to be given to the bathroom and the kitchen.

♥ Whether you are cooking, hiring a chef or ordering food make sure to prepare a great menu (I imagine you have asked her if she has any preferences or allergies to consider). Aperitif, first and main course and dessert are a must.

♥ Have wine, juice and if you know how to make great cocktails be ready to display your expertise. Choose 2-3 cocktails.

♥ You must lay the table nicely. You do not need to overdo it but make an effort.

♥  Flowers are a must, fresh ones please, again don’t overdo it…They can be just for the dining table.

♥ Lighting.  If your flat has special features allow the lighting to say so. Do not dim the lights as if you were ready for a big moment. Be elegant… think about what is just right.

♥ Music. Do you know what she likes?  If not choose something neutral, soft, pleasant. Right volume; don’t put music that awakes your party mood. That won’t work.

♥ You: Dress to impress, even if wearing an informal look. A worn out jeans and a t shirt is not an option. Smell good.

DURING

♥ Be a gentleman. Do you remember you think she is very special?. Make her notice this by displaying your best behaviour.

♥ Show her your flat, a little tour will break the ice and will bring a lot of possible topics to talk about. Don’t display your ego.. Talk from your love for your life, there is a difference.

♥ Always take her into account: what she likes to drink,  Does she want a bite before dinner? Is the temperature right for her?

♥ During the dinner have interesting conversations, be curious to learn about what interests her,  she will ask in return so it will develop into a very smooth and pleasant time.

♥ At this moment you can make the light more dramatic. Now is time to dim and setting the right tone for the dinner. It is about increasing the beauty and appeal of the food and to create an atmosphere that inspires you both to relax and get to know each other even more.

♥ Do not drink too much.

♥ After dinner, she will probably offer to help you with the table, gently refuse this, make her feel she is there to be pampered.

AFTER

♥ If everything goes according to plan, both of you should have had a wonderful time..now time for a coffee or tea… and some chocolates in the living room. Please buy great quality chocolates; believe me it makes a huge difference.

♥ Ask her if she would like to listen any specific music and then enjoy each other’s company even more, while you think about planning that next date…

 


 

Diego Correa’s interior design approach stems from a combination of his professional training and experience together with his ethics and vision.

The core of the practice is to provide to his male clientele an excellent customer service which involves not only the delivery of a contemporary, creative, thoughtful proposal within budget but also the careful management of every aspect of the process.

http://www.diegocorreainteriordesign.com/