Chemistry Lesson. These words for me conjure up all sorts of horrid memories of chemistry lessons at school and the strange gaseous smells that emanated from the chemistry lab! Words like apparatus, asbestos mat, petri dish and Bunsen burner come to mind. Ah yes, the dreaded Bunsen burner!
I lived in fear of one of the undesirable boys in my class being let loose with one, and watching Tracey Rowland’s heavily hair sprayed fringe go up in flames or worse still, having my then very bushy eyebrows singed! But thankfully that is a lifetime ago and now I am more concerned with a different kind of chemistry, the chemistry of love and attraction.
There seems to be an awful lot of confusion and questions about what relationship chemistry is all about. At Elan London we sometimes hear, ‘the chemistry wasn’t there for me’ or ‘we just didn’t have that spark’. But what does all that really mean? Are client’s getting confused about physical attraction and the sort of chemistry that is rarely to be found on a on a first date?
It is absolutely true that physical chemistry is an essential component to a successful relationship and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It is likely that couples who don’t share strong physical chemistry may have added difficulties during the highs and lows of a shared life together.
Having a strong physical bond really does help couples want to fight through problems they may encounter. But the kind of chemistry we are talking about here does not necessarily show itself on a first date with an instant, glorious, heart pounding, cheeks blushing, palm sweating attraction (nice work if you can get it!).
That kind of chemistry is about a physical attraction and yes you do need that most definitely in a relationship but, it cannot exist on its own either. The other and more realistic scenario on a first date is that people find themselves in a high pressure situation. They may be nervous and act in an awkward manner.
This then significantly alters the energy that flows between them which then can result in an altered or negative chemistry. Chemistry is more likely to build over several dates when you start to see something in the other person that is really attractive. Not just their physical being but their personality, hobbies, interests, life experiences and values. So we are talking about the whole package.
Chemistry is different from attractiveness and cannot be determined solely from a photo. We can objectively see whether we think someone is good looking or not but the chemistry can take a little longer to figure out. Chemistry also comes from compatibility, friendship, love and sexual passion. I don’t think it can come from just one component. In other words you have to have a little bit of everything.
I think it is also wise to be alerted to the dangers of chemistry too. We need to be responsible for being under the influence and spell of those peculiar magical mystery chemicals called pheromones. The strange chemical secretions that elicit unlearned behavioural responses and act like drugs. Can’t eat, sleep, high highs, low lows, the feeling of obsessive longing……it’s all quite unhealthy and addictive. And then what comes next?
Often it’s the undiscovered bad qualities and incompatibilities in that person that were masked beneath the intensity of those feelings. So you see, that is also why at Elan London we are serious about the importance of matching clients that have similar values, background, passions, life goals, interests. These are the things that bond two people together rather than focusing on looks alone.
So, here is a very simple lesson in chemistry………..
A relationship that scores a 7 for chemistry and a 10 for compatibility is going to be a happy marriage.
A relationship that scores a 10 for chemistry and a 3 for compatibility is going to make you miserable.
I sincerely hope that all this doesn’t make you give up on chemistry. Please don’t. I simply ask that you consider this simple equation and be patient, wait a little longer than a first date to see if the chemistry exists. You may find that what you didn’t discover on your first date, shows up on date two or three and kerching……you found your soul mate and life partner!
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